雅思大作文點評：不夠尊重老人的原因

　　There is not enough respect for the elderly people. What are the causes and what problems does this phenomenon create?

　　There is a growing tendency nowadays for some people to regard the elderly people as a troublesome group. Gradually, this leads to not revere (這是啥意思?! lead to 后面接 doing !) the elderly people in diverse conditions. Yet in my opinion, instead of contempting every one should treat them as our treasure (這句話本身就有點變扭，感覺很怪!) . But, what causes the promble? Here i give two major reasons (這句太廢話了，把兩個理由總結(jié)一下，寫出來會比較好) .

　　On the one hand, some elder people (第一段用的是 elderly people ，這里怎么又變了?!) live without any income. In addition, they are weak even some of them cannot look after themselves (這分明是兩個句子，怎么可以寫在一起!) .Thus, they have to be given a hand. A recent statistics ( statistics 這里好像應(yīng)該是復(fù)數(shù)吧) shows that 90 percent of the elderly people need to provide (應(yīng)該是被動語態(tài)吧) the allowance and nurses. It costs 80 billions ( billion 不可數(shù)的!) yuan every year. So the elderly people become a burden to the society. On the other hand ,the young are to blame. Their consciousness of respecting the elderly people should be promoted. What is worse, they don't regard anyone.

　　Nevertheness (應(yīng)該是 nevertheless ) , for the above reasons, we also can take immediate and specific measures to cope with them. Because no one can deny the fact that a person's moral( 應(yīng)該是 morality 吧 ) is the most important aspect of the society. If we lose it,I (人稱不要變來變?nèi)? can't image, (這里逗號多余) what may happen to our society. How terrible it is! As is known to everyone, we are all getting old. But, we may not being esteemed. A yeasty world is proceeding.

　　To sum up ,the reasons and problems for respecting the elderly people are many. I have simply pointed out some of the more obvious ones. However, it is certain that if the whole of society pays more attention to the solicitude of the elderly people, the issue will not being a trouble again.

　　語言分析：

　　1. 整篇文章沒有什么精彩的長句或復(fù)雜句，所以不太可能上 7 分;

　　2. 低級錯誤或者明顯錯誤(紅色部分)很多，所以也就 4-5 分的水平;

　　3. 錯誤歲多，但不影響理解，還是能夠看得懂作者的觀點，所以應(yīng)該是 5 分的水平。

　　結(jié)構(gòu)分析：這篇文章看似 4 段論的寫法，但是結(jié)構(gòu)并不是很清晰!特別是第 2 段，用了 on the one hand, … On the other hand, … 給人感覺應(yīng)該是兩個分論點，那么最好還是寫成兩段比較好。雖然作者使用了一些連接詞，如 nevertheless, thus, in addition 等，但是由于句子本身的意思寫的不好，所以這些連接詞只是形式上不錯，細(xì)看意思并不覺得用得有多好。

　　內(nèi)容分析：這個是作者比較欠缺的一部分!可能也是受到英語水平的影響，所寫的內(nèi)容都是很片面的，沒有對自己的觀點進(jìn)行深入的分析，可以說分析得根本就不夠，給人感覺根本沒寫出什么東西!其實，雅思作文并一定要想出多少分論點(當(dāng)然分論點多的話，可以根據(jù)自己的能力和偏好選幾個自己最能發(fā)揮的寫)，關(guān)鍵還是要看對分論點的證明，即 supporting sentences 的質(zhì)量。

　　總評：5 分。作者需在句型的正確性上花更多的時間，一些基本的語態(tài)似乎都掌握得不太好!