On that day I even urged myself to let down my inhibitions and show my grief the way everyone else was showing theirs. But I also did it so none might suspect I nursed sorrows of a far more secret and more desperate kind—until I realized, almost to my shame, that part of me didn’t mind his dying, that there was even something almost exciting in the thought of his bloated, eyeless body finally showing up on our shores.
 
那天我甚至勸自己卸下壓抑的偽裝，像其他人一樣表現(xiàn)出自己的悲痛。但這也是為了不讓任何人揣測到我心里抱著一種遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)更為私密、更為沉痛的哀傷，直到我?guī)缀醺械娇蓯u地意識到，有一部分的我其實(shí)并不那么在乎他的死活，想到他可能腫脹不堪的、殘缺不全的遺體終于沖回岸邊，我甚至有種近乎興奮的感覺。
 
But I wasn’t fooling myself. I was convinced that no one in the world wanted him as physically as I did; nor was anyone willing to go the distance I was prepared to travel for him. No one had studied every bone in his body, ankles, knees, wrists, fingers, and toes, no one lusted after every ripple of muscle, no one took him to bed every night and on spotting him in the morning lying in his heaven by the pool, smiled at him, watched a smile come to his lips, and thought, Did you know I came in your mouth last night?
 
但我騙不了自己。我相信世界上沒有人比我更想要他的肉體，也沒人像我一樣準(zhǔn)備為他奉獻(xiàn)那么多。沒人研究過他身上每根骨頭、腳踝、膝蓋、手腕、手指、腳趾：沒人癡心妄想撫摸他每寸肌膚，夜夜在床上想他，早晨看他躺在泳池畔他的那處天堂，朝他微笑，看笑意浮現(xiàn)在他唇上，心思蕩漾地想著：你知道我昨晚在你嘴里達(dá)到高潮了嗎？
 
Perhaps even the others nursed an extra something for him, which each concealed and displayed in his or her own way. Unlike the others, though, I was the first to spot him when he came into the garden from the beach or when the flimsy silhouette of his bicycle, blurred in the midafternoon mist, would appear out of the alley of pines leading to our house. I was the first to recognize his steps when he arrived late at the movie theater one night and stood there looking for the rest of us, not uttering a sound until I turned around knowing he’d be overjoyed I’d spotted him. I recognized him by the inflection of his footfalls up the stairway to our balcony or on the landing outside my bedroom door. I knew when he stopped outside my French windows, as if debating whether to knock and then thinking twice, and continued walking. I knew it was he riding a bicycle by the way the bike skidded ever so mischievously on the deep gravel path and still kept going when it was obvious there couldn’t be any traction left, only to come to a sudden, bold, determined stop, with something of a declarative voilà in the way he jumped off.
 
或許也有其他人對他暗懷心思，并以各自的方式掩飾或表現(xiàn)。然而，與其他人不同，是我第一個看他從海邊走進(jìn)花園，看著他騎腳踏車的單薄剪影在午后的輕霧中若隱若現(xiàn)，從松樹小徑那頭兒一路往家里來。我是第一個聽出他腳步聲的人；有一晚他去電影院遲到了，不發(fā)一語地站著搜尋其他人的身影，直到我轉(zhuǎn)身，知道他非常高興我在人群中找到了他。我認(rèn)出他，憑的是他爬樓梯上陽臺時的腳步聲變化，還有他落在我臥房門外的腳步聲；我認(rèn)得他在我落地窗外踟躕止步的聲音，仿佛掙扎著要不要敲門，考慮再三后接著往他房間走。我知道騎腳踏車的人是他，因?yàn)槟_踏車是如此淘氣地在礫石道上滑行。明顯沒有多余的摩擦力，一路繼續(xù)前進(jìn)，最后突兀、大膽、果斷地戛然而止，他跳下車的方式有點(diǎn)宣告“你瞧瞧”的意味。

《請以你的名字呼喚我》